Page 1 of JOKES -to make you smile - hopefully hehe

Girl takes a dress into the drycleaner. She asks to have it cleaned. The guy whos a bit deaf say " come again?" The girl blushes and says "no its yoghurt".
****** :) :) :) ******
Q: Why is Santa always so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the bad girls live ;) .
****** :) :) :) ******
did u hear about the constipated maths teacher he worked it out with a pencil :o

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

LET`S RIDE BIKES!!!!!!!

--

www.soundalikes.com/

Gordon Brown :D

Two cowboys from Goondawindi walk into a pub to wash the dust from their
throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly
about cattle prices in the drought.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that
she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.

"No", signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt,
yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down between the
woman`s bum-cheeks.

This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of
her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink
of his beer.
His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I`d heard of that there Hind
Lick Maneuver, but I ain`t never seen nobody do it before..



I quite like the Helpdesk people in a benevolent (as opposed to malevolent) way as they do some valuable work in preventing us being inundated by every halfwit who can work a phone.

:) When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don`t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes! ;)

:) Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.

Happy St. Patrick`s Day !!!

Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here`s what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It`s a bug.



External Image: http://inhome.rediff.com/wc2003/2003/feb/03sach.jpg"> http://inhome.rediff.com/wc2003/2003/feb/03sach.jpg

The AOL Car

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it`s the NEW model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."




"Stigmata!!! In your eye!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer`s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I`m going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don`t let me get that duck, I`ll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don`t know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city guy.
His first kick planted the toe of his hob nailed boot into the lawyer`s happy sack and dropped him to his knees where he immediately puked.
The farmer`s second kick nearly ripped the man`s nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer`s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old bastard, now it`s my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


Snaps

Diary of an AOL User

July 18

I just tried to connect to America Online. I`ve heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I`d better hold onto it incase they don`t ever send me anther one! I can`t connect. I don`t know what is wrong.

July 19

Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don`t see why. He`s just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22

I bought the modem. I couldn`t figure out where it goes. It wouldn`t fit in the monitor or the printer. I`m confused.

July 23

I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don`t work. I can`t get online.

July 25

That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He`s so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that`s just another service. What a modest kid. He`s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he`s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn`t even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn`t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26

What`s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I`m confused.

July 27

The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he`s not so modest after all.

July 28

I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29

I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I`m connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30

These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31

I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN`T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN`T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1

I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2

I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3

I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON`T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4

THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5

SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN`T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6

SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7

Why have a Caps Lock key if you`re not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8

I just read this post called make money fast. I`m so excited. I`m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9

I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10

I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11

I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I`ve looked and looked but I can`t find that group.

August 12

I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he`s laughing so hard he can`t eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don`t know why the rec.humor group didn`t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13

I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I`m also going to add that short story I like.

August 14

Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don`t have an account at his bank. He`s so dumb.



"Stigmata!!! In your eye!"

A seal walks into a club


What I`m listening to...