Page 1 of well, what would you have done?

At one in the morning last night I heard a large splash like something dropping, or being dropped, into the pond so I went down to investigate. I pulled on my shorts and went down there, tip toeing round to the pond. When I got there I jumped about a foot in the air as sitting right in the middle was a massive great swan which was quite happily dipping its beak in and eating up the fishes!

Not knowing what to do I went "shoo!" and the thing just looked at me and started fishing some more. So I went shoo some more, I clapped my hands and ran around the garden waving my arms and saying "shoo!". My neighbour heard - opened his curtains and turned on his light - but the swan carried on fishing! By this time I was mildly annoyed - about 1.15.

I went nearer to the pond and clapped - the swan looked at me, hissed, got out and started coming towards me. Well I did what any other man would do, I legged it! straight back in the house. The swan followed my path - he could probably see the track marks from my trainers - right to the door, stared at me with beady eyes and strolled back to the pond.

Well, f*ck that! I said. I grabbed everything to hand that I could find. An empty pringles thing, a small cereal box (empty) an empty plastic water bottle - and threw them in his general direction. Of course because none of them weighed anything they limply landed on the floor not far from me. Despite this the bloody swan reared at me and made some very angry honking noises. If I had not been indoors again by this time I swear I would have been able to see a very evil glint in his eye.

Out I went again. More angry this time. I saw that the hose was sticking in the pond so I turned that on. He didn`t like it you could tell, and started to back away so that he could fish and eat in peace. So I flicked the hose, hoping that that would alarm the long necked sod and get him to fly away... did it? Did it heck! I knocked over two plants, soaked myself and dropped my camera (I hoped that the flash would have a similar effect to the hose) and the swan just bloody carried on eating.

So I turned the hose on him, arching it up in the air so that it would land on his back and get on his nerves. This it did. He shot out of the pond in the direction of the water (me) honking and flapping his wings like a demon. I dropped the still squirting hose and ran again, the swan following. This was getting ridiculous. About 1.40 by this time. Balled up newspaper was next on my anti-swan kit. I hurled, under armed, balls at the thing hoping that this would be too much for him. Once again he was able to take the upper hand and charge me. Meanwhile the hose is still spraying away.

Finally he went back in the direction of the pond. I thought I would have one more go with the hose, and again it worked. He left the pond in search of me again, following me to the door. But I was too quick for him....

-------this is where things really start to get odd-----------

I went inside, up to my room and grabbed a torch. Realising that I could not outsmart a swan on his own terms, but that I was going to have to mess with his head I hatched a plan to use the torch to lead him out - and it worked. Shining the torch in front of him seemed to make the feathered nob think that he was being staked out by some glowing yellow, completely flat and lacking in form animal - the twat. Following his movements with this I was able to "guide" him out of the garden, passed the pond, round the side of the house and out of the drive.

So at 2am I won! Let that be a warning to all fowl - wild or otherwise. I don`t give up easily, or without a fight.

Thats hilarious!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

Neil
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"When my people were writing philosophy, your people were still swinging from trees..."

Never knew swans eat fish, thought they like weed and water snails and stale bread by the ton...hiss a lot don`t they. :) :) :)

Have had a similar ongoing battle with a heron. This one though knew when I go to work as he watches me go into the garage and start my bike up. Once gone he comes down and tries to get me fish.

Somebody told me herons are loners and that I should get a plastic one and place it near the pond - we think this is one likes company as the wife has spotted it getting `close` with it!

Badboybez

In Madness You Dwell

well done, I`ll have to use that tactic should I ever get one in my back garden... not that I have a back garden...

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I ate what?


My Collection

Love it :D :D :D :D

Once in Leicester when the canals flooded I managed in a drunken state to get to a canal side (or should I say canal in) bench. The swans could not make me out and started circuling me. as they did not atack I can only asume that they thought I was some sort of swan god.

All the best,

The 42%er.


It`s not easy being different. It`s not easy being cool....but somehow I manage....

This item was edited on Tuesday, 17th August 2004, 12:30

Excellent! :D Have you got any fish left?

Talking about fish, one of my carers went outside for a fag and noticed that the pond in the garden was empty with fish flapping at the bottom. He and my brother grabbed buckets, tubs and old fishtanks fron the loft to scoop all the expiring fish into. Turns out that one of the pipes had come off the filter so water was being sucked out and being pumped over the lawn rather than back into the pond. The fish are now in various tanks and water features and everyone smells of fish s*** - nice! :p

Fantastic story - bet your neighbour was pi**ing himself watching you. That story has really made my day!!!

Quote:
I clapped my hands and ran around the garden waving my arms and saying "shoo!".

I went nearer to the pond and clapped - the swan looked at me, hissed, got out and started coming towards me. Well I did what any other man would do, I legged it! straight back in the house. The swan followed my path - he could probably see the track marks from my trainers


Jezz, that gave me a giggle :D


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About now im having amnesia and deja vu. I think Ive forgotten this before?!?

I`m glad it raised a few laughs... there are some fish left, though i probably did my best to terrify them as well last night. I tell you, it got ugly out there at times.. there was a bit - not unlike something in alien - when the security light went out and i was plunged into darkness... everything was silent for a while, and then from the darkness came the slapping sound of web foot hitting paving slab... and then his head loomed into the moon light... i was on my heels faster than you can say broken collar bone..

Still i showed him who was boss - if he is back tonight i will be ready for him, hose and torch in hand..