Review of Cave, The

Introduction

In 1996`s `Twister`, I was first introduced to the concept of making a film about thrill seekers. Aged fourteen, I sat down to watch two hours of Jodie Foster chasing tornadoes across America (or so it seemed), with the big gnarly winds nicely plugging the gap where more conventional items such as plots and characterisation should be. Of course, it wasn`t any good and, of course, it wasn`t even Jodie Foster - it was Helen Hunt. Well they do look alike.

Ten years later, I once again sit down to what promises to be an uneasy ninety minutes. `The Cave` features no real-big names, and not much daylight; that it even made it as far as the Digital medium in front of me comes of a bit of a surprise. Focussing almost entirely on the underground exploits on a group of narcissistic cavers, the film takes you to the bottom - in both literal and metaphorical terms.

After its discovery 30 years previously, a gang of American extreme-cavers (or some such) are invited to explore the crevices of the Romanian wilds. Led by alpha male Jack (Cole Hauser), their mission is simple - to discover whatever they can about this unknown network and report back to some important scientist people. After the inevitable loss of one of the crew, they decide to head further into the depths, only to change their minds after getting slightly scared, and using the remaining hour of the movie to scramble towards the surface, with little success.

However, its not just their own paranoia that`s calling them above the terrain, it is the hot pursuit and infiltration of a parasite which uses its host to morph into a `super-being`; the likes of which has never before been known to mankind.

This last part is, I am afraid, a complete and utter lie. They are known very well to mankind as the `Aliens` from the similarly titled pictures, and already have four Hollywood films under their belt. Whoever decided that fitting them with wings made them `completely new` should probably lose their job, or at least lose their Christmas bonus.

Video

For all their unoriginality, the effects are a good-quality second tier affair, despite a few sub-Harryhausen moments. They`re no `King Kong` or anything like that, but they are surprisingly good in a film that has, in reality, very little else to offer.

One thing that does grate is the lack of much light throughout. Ok, so it`s set in dark and dripping caves (not exactly the brightest of locations), but save for the occasional fires popping up here and there - with little explanation as to their origins - the overall visual look leaves you aggrieved.

Audio

All the thriller prerequisites; creaks, rising shrills, eerie noise - in other words, as original as `The Australian Pink Floyd`s next album is likely to be.

Sounds ok in Dolby 2.0 though.

Features

The only 2 extras featured upon this DVD are the `Into the Cave` featurette (18 mins), and `Designing Evolution: Tatopoulos Studios` - a ten-minute look at the designing of the brand new species for the movie.

Both mini-documentaries are functional, if not particularly exciting. The former interviews the crew whom oversaw the caving elements of the picture, and just so happen to be mad-assed cavers themselves, hence the consultancy role. However, whilst anyone who loves what they do passionately is to be commended, is there any reason that they had to use their powers for such evil?

The second of the two features is less entertaining. After ten minutes of watching them prattle on about the creative process, you find yourself screaming at the screen "This is all a lie - You stole it!"

Conclusion

The tagline should`ve been `In caves, no one can hear you scream`. So much is this movie in debt to the 1979 Sci-Fi Thriller that, at times, you forget that you are actually watching an entirely different movie. The `creatures` themselves are, as previously mentioned, essentially carbon copies (`now with wings!) of Ripley`s Nemesis`, but without being even as scary.

My sincerest apologies for labouring the point somewhat, but even the parasitic nature of the beasties remind you of John Hurt`s non-more iconic occupation. When mainman Jack is scratched by one of the cave dwellers, he fast becomes `one of them`, his sweating and pulsating forehead indicating that a creature could burst from his stomach at any point. That this doesn`t happen shows vast restraint in terms of direction, as I personally wouldn`t have been able to resist!

The cast themselves are as lifeless and dull as the cave initially appears. The addition of Piper Perabo, someone whose greatest achievements are `Coyote Ugly`, `Rocky and Bullwinkle` and `Slap her, she`s French`, does nothing to detract from this fact. Her character, Charlie, is the supposed to be the risk-taking ballsy tomboy of the bunch who can stick it to the new breed that is tearing their party apart, but in reality, comes across as the kind of weak sap that wouldn`t even eat an ice cream in the park in summer-time `because of the wasps`. Thankfully, for this film`s sake, she meets a sticky end.

I could go on pulling this film to pieces, but I really needn`t. As long as you are well informed of its inadequacies (a list of which can be found buried underground in eastern Europe somewhere), then I can relax, safe in the knowledge that whatever`s in the DVD store wont harm any of you innocent folk.