Review of Cold Fish

Introduction

"The most controversial British film to come out in the last decade... shocking, scandalous, outrageous, don`t miss it!"

"Warning: a pack of seasoned film buyers and distributors yesterday stormed out of the screening of a British film that includes real shootings and hangings."

Wow, that sounds like a film I`d like to watch. Let`s read on....

Alex is a new employee at a TV station who wants to make his way to the top. He manages to talk his way onto covering a news story, and happens upon controversial video artists Jon and Marta Henley. He manages to get himself an interview with them, and this could be the break that will kick start his career. However, getting involved with these two might involve biting off more than he can chew.

The only member of the cast who you might have heard of is the man who plays the agent for the Henleys. Christopher Biggins. Honestly, it`s him. Do those opening sentences of blurb already seem less believable?

Video

A dirty, grimy, grainy 1.78:1 anamorphic transfer (not the full frame transfer as stated on the box). The transfer is dark, swimming with grain, and has lots of dirt and dust. It looks pretty nasty on a technical level. And the cinematography just looks like a student project, with some terribly lit scenes intercut with this "shock footage" to demonstrate the Henley`s "art". Much of this footage of "real shootings and hangings" has been messed around with, so that it doesn`t look all that real, and it`s not all that shocking.

Audio

A DD2.0 soundtrack, which sadly allows you to hear some of the most stunted and awful dialogue ever committed to DVD. Even a school play has better dialogue than this, it really is that awful. Surely these people can`t be professionals. Allegedly they are. There`s hardly anything in the way of score or atmospherics. Just that dialogue.

Features

Nothing, but that is a blessing in disguise.

Conclusion

Now in my almost five years as a reviewer for DVD Reviewer, I`ve had to endure some real dross:-

The Hotel New Hampshire
Love & Sex
Blood Feast
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Heart of a Child

Those are just a few of the titles that I`ve still been unable to block from my memory. But this film has just taken the top prize as worst film I`ve ever watched. It really is terrible. It`s like the worst student project in the film class. The dialogue is terrible, the acting is terrible, the picture is nasty, the sound is the only redeeming feature, but that comes at a price, because you get to listen to the stunted delivery of the lines.

And then there`s Christopher Biggins, which is enough to give anyone nightmares. He`s probably the most shocking thing about this "shocking, scandalous, outrageous" film, even though he`s the only one remotely close to actual acting. If "a pack of seasoned film buyers and distributors...stormed out of the screening", it was due to boredom, or the awfulness of this film. It`s like some bad home movie turned into a film. The plot is rubbish, the script is rubbish and there`s also a rubbish sex scene in the back of a taxi.

If you`re tempted by the blurb, avoid like the plague. This film fully deserves the zero rating that I`m giving it. The DVD is suitably shabby, with nasty picture and average sound, and a pleasing lack of extras.

I`m off to watch something good. I will write a nice friendly review again soon. There must be something worth watching.