Review of Long Time Dead

Introduction

Hey look it`s that lad from Witness (Lukas Haas) and that kid who helped Steve in Eastenders ditch Saskia`s body (Joe Absolom). These are the only two interesting tidbits of info uttered during a home party style viewing of Long Time Dead. Was this because the movie was a slick, gothic, teen horror with extreme tension or was it because my seven guests were in fact nodding off around twenty minutes in.
Yes it`s the nodding off thing of course, because this movie fails to ignite any terror in the viewer what so ever. It`s silly script, hammy acting and amazingly poor effects, mostly the old early nineties trick of morphing, add up to a cringe-making movie with little or no attitude and not a scare in sight.
Apparently using some Lottery funding, this movie is a step-by-step guide on how not to make a horror movie. First, don`t use Lottery funding, is this a worthy cause, really. Second, don`t use tried and tested methods or raising the dead that have been tried and tested to death, ouijaboards should now be banned from horror movies!

Video

The transfer is very good, even if the movie isn`t. Framed at 1.85:1 (Anamorphic), this looks a little bit cropped as some opening titles don`t fit totally on screen. The picture is sharp and free from any major digital artefacting. For a very dark movie it holds up well with good fine detail levels and nice rich colour reproduction. The blacks are always rock solid and whites have some slight haloing but nothing that distracts. In between levels are well produced adding a great sense of depth to the viewing experience.

Audio

A powerful Dolby Digital 5.1 track that uses the surrounds to great ambient effect. The room is alive with sound from all directions but tends to feels a bit fake with the movie not getting the believable eerie soundscape it desperately needs. Movies like The Others pulled this off well with understated sound that burst into action at just the right second for those six-in-off-your-seat moments. This fails to even give us a single one of those moments.

Features

Two short and sweet featurettes that are as dull as the movie. The behind the scenes section is the best of a bad bunch, showing the fun of making a movie, no matter how bad it is. You also get two trailers.

Conclusion

A DVD that is in essence mutton dressed as lamb. A terrible movie with a great transfer on both sound and vision fronts. This doesn`t help redeem it in any shape of form and is a movie that, like a ouijaborad, should be avoided at all costs.