Titanic 2

If you've been around the Internet long enough, you must have come across the production company The Asylum, responsible for such low budget nonsense as Mega Piranha, Giant Shark vs Mega Octopus and The Terminators and about to release such wonderfully titled films as: Almighty Thor, 2012: Ice Age and 2 Headed Shark Attack. They are normally a joy for purveyors of crap movies, the sort of things that come under the classification of 'so bad they're good' and take ineptitude to a new level. The latest one to cross my path was Titanic II (not to be confused with the 2002 short film Titanic II - that is a completely different film!).

This is written and directed by Shane Van Dyke, the grandson of Dick Van Dyke and who, according to the IMDb, had several appearances on Diagnosis: Murder along with his father, Barry, Dick's real-life son. Anyway, he has seemingly made a career of appearing in low budget movies such as Paranormal Entity which I actually thought was better than most people give it credit. Anyway, this was to be my first experience of Shane Van Dyke as a filmmaker rather than an actor, and what an introduction!

Not content with writing and directing the film, Van Dyke also plays the lead role, that of a multimillionaire playboy and egotist who has decided to fuel his overinflated sense of worth by financing the building of Titanic II which will sail across the Atlantic on the hundredth anniversary of its ill-fated predecessor. Will lightning strike twice? Of course it will as it wouldn't be much of a movie if it was all about a perfect cruise across the Atlantic. Actually, it's not much of a film even when you throw in icebergs and tidal waves.

The basic premise of the film is that rich boy Hayden Walsh has decided to make his name by building the ultimate ocean liner, Titanic II, which will sail across the Atlantic with a lot of his rich friends and ex-flame Amy as one of the medics in the infirmary. Amy and her friend, Kelly, are the two nurses who have been assigned the least practical uniforms for an ocean liner: a low-cut blouse, a short skirt and high heels - in reality there would probably be wearing tunics, trousers and deck shoes, but that doesn't fit in with the B-movie aesthetic, does it?


Anyway, Amy's father, James Maine, is a hotshot coastguard who has been invited to Greenland by Dr. Kim Patterson who wants to tell him that global warming is real and dangerous and that a piece of the glacier will fall off to join a smaller bit that fell off in the beginning of the film and cause a tsunami that will travel the length of the Atlantic. Although he had warned Amy about taking up her post on the boat because it was shoddily made and barely passed its safety inspections, she decided to go anyway and now, with a tidal wave heading her way, he needs to do something to save his daughter's life.

Although the locations in this vary from New York Harbor to Greenland and the mid-Atlantic the cast and crew didn't leave Los Angeles and it shows. Everything in this is CGI. Well, not everything as there are some sets and real actors working with real props but, when James Maine and Dr. Patterson are standing on the end of the glacier in the middle of a blizzard yet there is absolutely no sign of snow landing on them or the two looking even remotely cold in the subzero climate. The sea is CGI, so is the snow, the entire Greenland set, the boat, the wave and everything else that can't be bought for a few dollars at Home Depot!


As I expected, the dialogue is excruciatingly bad, the direction uninspired and technically inept and the acting just cringeworthy so there is some poetic justice in the scene when one of the extras walks up to Shane Van Dyke, yells "It's all your fault!" and punches him twice - I doubt he wrote that line meaning it to be humorous. And yet, despite all of these flaws and every aspect of the film that made my body cry out "Stop, please stop", the film is oddly charming and I actually had a better time watching this than James Cameron's multi-million dollar box office smash and winner of 11 Oscars. Titanic is boring, overblown and tedious - Titanic II may be completely rubbish but it is very watchable.

I suppose you need to watch this in the right frame of mind and need to be a purveyor of terrible movies in order to appreciate how a terrible film can be entertaining; the prime example of this is Troll 2 where you spend the entire running time wondering if the cast and crew are in on the joke and realise that they are spouting absolute drivel and acting in a way that would embarrass a school nativity play. Basically, the whole film is about as convincing as Dick Van Dyke's Cockney accent in Mary Poppins but much less enjoyable.


The Disc

Extra Features
The Making of Titanic II (8:01) looks at various aspects of the production from carpentry to make up and even people wobbling around and banging into tables to give the impression that they are on a ship that has just been struck by a tidal wave. For a cheap film, it has a fairly sizeable crew and isn't like some independent films such as Buffalo 66 in which Vincent Gallo did about 12 different roles as well as playing the main role.

The Picture
As befitting a film like this, the picture is occasionally very good and occasionally terrible with woeful CGI and some of the worst contrast levels I've seen recently so that, when the big wave eventually arrives, you just can't see it against the night sky as everything blends into a big wall of black murk.

When the boat isn't even real and looks about as fake as the breasts on your average porn star, you know you're off to a bad start as the titular vessel doesn't look real so you really have to try to buy into the overall premise. That being said, I really didn't expect Shane Van Dyke to film on an ocean worthy liner but, apparently, some scenes were shot on the Queen Mary!


The Sound
The Dolby Digital 2.0 stereo soundtrack does a pretty good job with the dialogue and sound effects but is severely lacking when it comes to the disaster scenes so you don't really have any tension or worry about what's going on (none of this is helped by the crappy CGI lifeboats). Even the score doesn't help and is utterly forgettable.

I suppose one thing in its favour is that it doesn't have a god-awful theme song by Celine Dion!


Final Thoughts
The press release contains some brilliant quotes like describing the movie as a "disaster film of epic proportions" that "will leave you gasping for air and wondering if your heart can really go on" - both of which can be interpreted two ways and perfectly sum up both the movie and the viewing experience.

I can't see Titanic II being watched years in the future as some sort of cult classic along the lines of Troll 2, Plan 9 from Outer Space or Bride of the Monster but, if you enjoy the likes of Mega Piranha, you very well may find something to like here.