Review of Calcium Kid, The

Introduction

Orlando Bloom is doing well for himself these days, in terms of acting roles that is. Having The Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean under the belt can`t do any harm and I`d think would open more Hollywood doors. So what he was thinking when he read the script for The Calcium Kid is anyone`s guess.

Boxing films usually come in a few flavours; bio-pics like Raging Bull, Ali or Champion, documentaries like Kings of the Ring or films with boxing elements or story, like Shine and The Calcium Kid. This film is filmed as a `documentary` with a small crew following Orlando Bloom in the run-up to the big championship fight, which is led by actor Mark Heap (better known as Brian from "Spaced"). From this we see the highs and lows of a cheap East End boxing promoter, played perfectly by comedian Omid Djalili, against a boxer who is world-class. This is a comedy about a local milkman fighting against all odds and coming out on top.

Video

Presented with a 1.85:1 widescreen enhanced video transfer, The Calcium Kid looks average at best which is odd considering this film was made this year. The colours are strong and detail is good, but there`s a lot of grain arising from high video compression. Some scenes look better than others, but frankly this could be a lot better. The film itself takes up less than one DVD layer, and with the added extras it spills onto a second layer anyway, with lots of space to spare, so it could have been better.

Audio

This comes with an English Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack and the only word I can use to describe it is average. It has good wide sound at the front with some inconsistent LFE support; there are scenes with heavy bass, and others where it`s a bit light. Dialogue is clear from the centre channel and the rear surround speakers only cough and splutter into life with a few ambient sound effects.

Features

Easy to navigate menus with a few extras:

• Deleted Scenes - a total of nine uninteresting deleted scenes.

• Outtakes (4:54) - Outtakes

• Billy Elliot, The Musical trailer (1:38) - The title says it all really.

A lacklustre selection of extras for a lacklustre film. The Calcium Kid features clear and easy to read English subtitles.

Conclusion

This film came and went faster than the speed of light and I only know of one West End cinema with a poster showing for this film. Seeing Orlando Bloom in boxing trunks turned me off completely and seeing the film title was enough to make me run away screaming. That this film was made at all is something I find amazing. The film is anything but. It`s certainly not trying to compare itself with Raging Bull, Kings of the Ring, or even the Korean bio-pic, Champion.

It`s trying, in vain, to tell a story about an ordinary Joe who just happens to box in his spare time and replaces the championship contender when he falls out of action from sparring with Bloom and hitting his very hard boned head. See what drinking all that milk can do to you? The story is dull and worse than predictable, it`s utter rubbish. It has characters that go nowhere, situations that are dull and uninspiring and trite dialogue. The only redeeming thing/person in the film is actor Omid Djalili who plays the fight promoter Herbie Bush. He`s a real shifty wheeler-dealer type, so bad that I had to take my hat off to him for his performance; he`s suitably over the top and plain terrible as a character. The rest of the cast are average at best and deliver one-dimensional performances with terrible dialogue.

There`s simply no entertainment to be had from this film. A story of man overcoming the odds is one thing, but it has to provide some entertainment, it has to engage in someway, despite it being done before but sadly this film lacks the ingredients needed to make it compelling; there`s no feeling of drama, no sense of purpose, weak conflict and a weak lead character. This is a good example of poor story telling.

Orlando Bloom is "hilarious" in this "quirky comedy" that will make you "laugh out loud".

No, no and no. I did wonder about whom this film would appeal to and initially thought pre-teens might like it, but it`s a `15` rated film so perhaps not. Who else? Teenage girls? Universal know that this is a poor film in every respect and releasing it won`t do anyone any favours. The mere thought of The Calcium Kid is enough to induce sleep and is something I expect to see as a TV movie of the day, not a major film release.